Breakfast Ideas Super Value Pack I – 500 Recipes For Waffles, Omelets, Muffins, Smoothies, Quick Bread and More by Pamela Kazmierczak [pdf, epub | 4,51 Mb] ISBN: B00RODXFIA

  • Full Title: Breakfast Ideas Super Value Pack I – 500 Recipes For Waffles, Omelets, Muffins, Smoothies, Quick Bread and More (Breakfast Ideas – The Breakfast Recipes Cookbook Collection 13)
  • Autor: Pamela Kazmierczak
  • Print Length: 
  • Publisher: 
  • Publication Date: December 31, 2014
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-13: 
  • Download File Format | Size: pdf, epub | 4,51 Mb
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Welcome to the thirteenth volume of Breakfast Ideas – The Breakfast Recipes Cookbook Collection!!

Are you looking for some delicious breakfast recipes to start off your day? This cookbook has 500recipes for for a wide variety of breakfast items including eggs, pancakes, waffles, coffee cake, quick bread, fruit smoothies, breakfast burritos and more!

If you are looking for quick yet tasty recipes for breakfast, this might be the cookbook you have been searching for! Many people are looking for quick and easy recipes online and in books – this cookbook will cover recipes for many different varieties of breakfast foods – from quick and easy, to finger foods to meals to sit down and enjoy with loved ones — whatever your tastes are there is a great selection inside for you to try – what a great way to start off your day!

We hope you enjoy this volume Breakfast Ideas Super Value Pack I – 500 Recipes For Waffles, Omelets, Muffins, Smoothies, Quick Bread and More – I hope you enjoy all the recipes inside!

What Type quick and easy breakfast recipes are in this book?

There are a total of 500 different recipes for a variety of breakfast foods inside!

Some Examples of the recipes include:

Blueberry Coconut Muffins
Raspberry Lemon Muffins
Chai Spiced Muffins
Chocolate Covered Banana Muffins
Pumpkin Spiced Muffins
Vanilla Buttermilk Muffins
Holiday Gingerbread Pumpkin Muffins
Apple Cranberry Muffins
Lemon Blueberry Pancakes
Banana Sour Cream Pancakes
Cinnamon Chocolate Pancakes
Oven Apple Pancakes
Gingerbread Waffles
Chocolate Waffles
Norwegian Waffles
Strawberry Crepes
Egg White Crepes
Chocolate Hazelnut Crepes
Eggs Benedict
Eggs Florentine
Croque Madame
Huevos Rancheros
Polenta and Eggs
Kale and Swiss Cheese Omelette
Almond Pancakes
Cheese Souffle
Crab Soufflé
French Toast Soufflé
Breakfast Enchiladas
Stuffed French Toast
Breakfast Frittata
Breakfast Quinoa
Breakfast Panini Sandwich
Overnight Egg and Sausage Bake
Egg and Cheese Frittata
Breakfast Churros
Breakfast Oat Bruleé
English Crumpets
Pita Breakfast Pizza
Spicy Breakfast Migas
Southern Grits
Cherry Chocolate Scones
Apple Cheddar Muffins
Raspberry Cheesecake Poppy Seed Muffins
Cheese Filled Coffee Cake
Chocolate Apricot Coffee Cake
Christmas Coffee Cake
Hazelnut Raspberry coffee Cake
French Chocolate Coffee Cake
Strawberry Blueberry Coffee Cake
Banana Toffee Bread
Banana Zucchini Bread
Cheddar Bread
Cheesy Pesto Bread
Feta and Chives Bread
Lemon Sour Cream Bread
Orange Sour Cream Bread
Pumpkin Zucchini Bread
Yogurt Corn Bread
Southwestern Corn Bread
Dark Chocolate Waffles
Triple Berry Waffles
Nutella Waffles
Yogurt Waffles
Baby Spinach Omelette
Baked Denver Omelette
Brie and Herb Omelette
Smoked Salmon and Green Onions Omelette
Pepper Jack Cheese and Salsa Omelette
Mediterranean Omelette
Kale and Cheddar Omelette
Mushroom and Cheese Omelette
Guacamole Omelette
Green Chile and Cheese Omelette
Thai Omelette
Chinese Omelette
Indian Omelette
Pineapple, Apricot and Banana Smoothie
Blackberry Orange Juice Smoothie
Pineapple Raspberry Smoothie
Pineapple Mango Smoothie
Mexican Breakfast Burrito
Chorizo Breakfast Burrito
Fruit Salsa Breakfast Burrito
Ham and Refried Beans Breakfast Burrito
Egg, Turkey and Spinach Breakfast Burrito
Jalapeno and Tomato Breakfast Burrito
Turkey, Onion and Kale Breakfast Burrito
Hot and Spicy Breakfast Burrito
Egg White Breakfast Burrito
Smoked Salmon and Avocado Breakfast Burrito

& Many More….

For a full list of what you can see inside, scroll up and click on the look inside feature and check out the Table of Contents!

Now that you know more about this book and why it is for you do not forget to scroll up the page and click on the buy button above so you can start enjoying your new Breakfast


Editorial Reviews



Photographer Emma Lee Text Gordon Ramsay and Lauren Abery

Art Director Patrick Budge Food Stylists Lauren Abery and Lisa Harrison

Home Economist Lisa Harrison Props Stylist Emma Thomas


Cook’s notes











Searchable Terms



About the Publisher

Cook’s notes

Spoon measures are level, unless otherwise specified:

1 tsp is equivalent to 5ml; 1 tbsp is equivalent to 15ml.

Use good-quality sea salt, freshly ground black pepper and fresh herbs for the best flavour.

Use large eggs unless otherwise suggested, ideally organic or free-range. If you are pregnant or in a vulnerable health group, avoid dishes using raw egg whites or lightly cooked eggs.

Individual ovens may vary in actual temperature by 10°C from the setting, so it is important to know your oven. Use an oven thermometer to check its accuracy.

Timings are provided as guidelines, with a description of colour or texture where appropriate, but readers should rely on their own judgement as to when a dish is properly cooked.


About 20 years ago, in my early days as a commis chef, I remember someone handing me this weird-looking stalk, which I soon learned was lemongrass. I was excited to discover an unfamiliar ingredient – what did it taste like, where did it come from, were there more like this? That day taught me that as a chef you never stop learning, a lesson that holds true today. While I felt confident cooking French cuisine, I was yet to discover the ingredients, flavours and cooking techniques of places further afield. On my first Great Escape to India, I found that the best way to understand the food of another nation is to experience it in the country itself. For my second Great Escape my taste buds were in for an unforgettable rollercoaster ride as I set off on a pilgrimage to experience the culinary delights of not one country but four: Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Malaysia.


Of the four countries on my itinerary, Thailand was the nation and cuisine I was most familiar with because I had visited it on a family holiday. I knew that at the forefront of Thai food is the creation of balance of sweet, sour, spicy, bitter and hot flavours, and that it has more to offer than the Thai green curries and Pad Thais that the West have adopted. It has long been said that some of the best food in Thailand can be found on the streets – and I have to agree. There is no shortage of street sellers, whose wares vary from barbecued chicken (Gai yang, Meat), green papaya salad (Som tam, Salads), deep-fried shrimp (Coconut prawns, Snacks/appetisers), to drinks. A successful street stall can, indeed, be more popular than a restaurant.

As in any country, Thai dishes vary from region to region. In Southern Thailand the food is spicy (they love cooking with chillies and some dishes will blow you away), but in this region you will also find lots of salads (like the Kao Yum) and, due to its close proximity to the sea, fish plays a major part in the diet. On my travels I ventured into a small village about one hour south of Ao Nang, where I spent the afternoon oyster fishing and was then taught some local dishes by a villager and expert called Ya. She spent hours creating the different curry pastes, but after all that effort I was relieved to see that each dish then took only moments to prepare – such as the Khanom jeen (Curries) and Prawn and stink bean stir-fry (Stir-fries).

My journey then took me from the south to the north, as I travelled to Chiang Mai, one of the largest and most cultural cities in Thailand. It was there that I discovered the culture of Buddhist monks; in Thailand, Buddhism is the majority religion and you will often see monks going about their daily duties in their bright orange robes. Every day at around 6am the monks take to the streets, barefooted and carrying urns in which they collect food offerings from locals. Entering orders means you have to erase any ego and give up your worldly possessions, including money, so you rely on handouts to survive. One morning I removed my shoes and walked the pavements with the monks as their assistant; we were given mangoes, sticky rice, dried goods, meat, nuts and so much more. I am the first to admit that I am not a religious person, but I did find the generosity of the community astounding.

It is inevitable that with Buddhism playing such a large role in the lives of the Thai people, food has become interwoven with the religion. One of my favourite dishes that I discovered in Thailand was one I helped cook for a Buddhist house blessing; it was the Gaeng hung lay curry (Curries) which is traditionally served to monks at su
pulled pork sandwich, tasty dessert recipes, gluten free bisquick, vegetarian appetizers, steak definition,
pleasure and many exciting surprises in cooking varieties of fish that were new to me, in trying new recipes, and in refining traditional ones. I urge you to be adventurous, as I have tried to be, in your approach to fish cookery. And I suggest only one general rule: Don’t overcook fish.



Since I first wrote this fish book, there have been great ecological changes, and there have been great shortages of some of our favorite fish. There will continue to be, I am afraid, until many of the problems that have to do with raising, caring for, and harvesting fish are settled. Some of our shellfish are almost extinct. Some of our favorite fish are in short supply. On the other hand, there are fish being used and publicized which we never dreamed of using before that have rather distinct and varied flavors that we have not experienced. It is wise to acquaint yourself with those fish in your markets that are permanently in short supply nowadays and those that are in fairly plentiful supply, because one can then judge what will be your mainstays in fish for the future.

In New England there is still haddock, cod, scrod, lemon sole, and small sole. Around New York, we have the same fish, plus a great plenitude of striped bass, and we also get red snapper, pompano, trout, salmon, and halibut. Along the Atlantic Coast, you will find very much the same things. There are shortages of crab and of lobster, but so far no shortages of shrimp and scallops, especially bay scallops, which seem more or less at a premium.

On the West Coast, I think you will still find the dabs, the rex sole, and the petrale sole; in the Northwest, the ling cod, true cod, sablefish, to some extent the sturgeon and the sea trout, and what is known on the West Coast as red snapper, which differs from that on the East Coast. In the rivers and lakes there are no tremendous shortages, though I don’t think fish are quite as plentiful as they once were. Yet the variety seems to continue in its satisfying way. We are using many fish now that were not in common usage before, such as squid and octopus, and various other smaller fish. As the science of aquaculture develops, we can look forward to increased varieties and to new flavors from the sea that are totally alien to us now.

It is with a certain sense of excitement, and a certain sense of loss, that I look to the future in fish cookery. I hope the revisions in this book will assist you in adapting to the new tastes we will all have in the coming years.

We wish to thank the Canadian Fisheries Council for their revolutionary discovery in fish cookery. And thanks to Carl Jerome for retesting a major portion of the recipes. Also, I will grant kudos to Emily Gilder and Marilyn Mangas for their assistance with the manuscript of this book. Our thanks to Marc Parson for his suggestion that inspired the addition of a section to the book.

General Information About Fish

Buying and Preparing Fish


Like other kinds of food, most varieties of fish have their seasons – the particular times when they are in most abundant supply, at their best, and cheapest. These seasons vary greatly from coast to coast and from fish to fish. Everything considered, the best authority on when to buy fresh fish is your own fish dealer. In a number of respects, however, you must supplement his advice with your own judgment.

When you buy whole fish, make sure you are getting the freshest by checking these points:

1. The eyes must be bright, clear, and bulging.

2. The gills should be reddish or pink, clean, and fresh-smelling.

3. The scales should be bright, shiny, and tight to the skin.

4. The flesh should be firm and should spring back when pressed.

5. There should be no strong or unpleasant odor.

Fish spoils easily. As soon as it comes from the market, wrap it in moistureproof paper or place it in a covered dish and store it in the refrigerator.


The frozen-food companies now produce a wide variety of frozen fish, and their selections are excellent buys. If you live far from the fresh supply, or if you have your heart set on a fish that is not at the height of its season, the frozen product can solve your problem with little or no sacrifice in flavor or texture. The amount per person is the same as for fresh fish: 1/3 to 1/2 pound of edible fish per person. Keep frozen fish, packaged in its original container, in the freezing unit or the frozen-food compartment of your refrigerator until you intend to use it. Thawed fish must be used at once.

To thaw: Fillets, steaks and dressed fish may be cooked without thawing, but you must allow additional time in the cooking process (see page 8). If you wish to bread or stuff the fish, take it out of the package and place it in the refrigerator (not the freezing compartment), allowing
caipirinha cocktail, vegetarian cafe, pancake recipe, easy vegan recipes, breaded pork chops,
ions gives rise to

a troop of relatives we would probably not expect to find in

a standard greasy spoon. Many of us are intimately acquaint-

ed with the potato pancake or latke – a central feature of

Hanukkah festivities. When the potato is grated, formed

into cakes and fried, the result is merely a hash brown, but

there also exists a variety blended into a smooth batter and

poured out precisely as other pancakes, differing only in size

and texture. We must recognize the basic affinity and shared

nomenclature in this case and afford the latke some cover-

age. The same goes for the Swedish raggmunk, a regular pan-

cake bolstered with shredded potatoes. So too must we

include the African bean cake akara and its New World sib-

lings, made with batter and akin to the latke in texture and

character. And then why not welcome into our pancake ranks

the socca, a chickpea cake of southern France, sometimes

baked but often cooked on a special flat griddle regularly

used for crêpes?

There should be no quibble in adding to our taxonomic

list various other well-recognized relatives: crêpes themselves

(though etymologically and originally ‘crisps’) as well as the

buckwheat Breton galette, Russian blini, the rotund Scandi –

n avian aebleskiver and plättar, not to mention the Hungar ian

palacsinta. Nor can we omit more far-flung cousins, the great

teff-based injera of Ethiopia, the resplendent rice and bean

dosa of southern India, the corn cachapa of Venezuela,


Akara are African pancakes made from black-eyed peas.

Japanese okonomiyaki, sweet dorayaki and Thai pak moh.

Pancakes, we must keep in mind, can be sweet or savoury,

adorned or simple, consumed during any meal and in any

setting. Without going out on a limb, it would not be far

fetched to claim that, among the myriad recipes and cooking

techniques on this planet, there are few that can claim such

universality or so noble a pedigree as the pancake.

Despite this enthusiastic and inclusive spirit, there

remains one final difficulty in defining the pancake with pre-

cision. How are we to classify closely related tribes whose

members begin life as pancakes, but are then transformed

into something else entirely? The Egyptian katief, for exam-

ple, is a pancake cooked on one side only, filled with nuts or

pastry cream, sealed and then deep fried. The Italian cannoli

must be considered a relative and so too must the cheese-

filled blintz. On first sight no one would call these pancakes,

though only a brief affair with hot fat separates them from

a rolled crêpe. Thus we confine ourselves only to those foods

which begin and end as recognizable pancakes.

To reiterate, a pancake is here defined as a flat cake made

of any starchy batter, normally cooked in a small amount of

fat on a flat surface, with anything from a hint of leavening

to positive fluffiness, yet retaining a soft pliable interior struc-

ture. Thus close relatives such as crisp fritters, doughnuts

and wafers, rolled and fried confections and even the estim –

able waffle family are excluded.

How should a pancake be made? There are as many

answers to that question as there are able cooks and eager

mouths to feed. Having spent roughly half a decade in grad-

uate school, patiently making a pancake every single morning

without exception, I can offer some hard-won tips. It is pos-

sible to use any combination of starch in any proportion –

cake flour, wholewheat, cornmeal, buckwheat, rye, chestnut


A Native American woman cooking pancakes outdoors.

flour are all delightful. Even soy flour makes an interesting

pancake. For a light texture, avoid using too many eggs. The

ideal proportion of ingredients, in my opinion, is  egg to 

cups/ g of flour and  cups/ ml of milk, with a tea-

spoon of baking soda. This is a standard American pancake,

though you will encounter endless variations of the measures

specified in recipes. The great nineteenth-century chef Alexis

Soyer, for example, used  eggs with a mere  small table-

spoons of flour, two tablespoons of sugar and a pint/ ml

of milk. This would pass as an omelette in most people’s

minds, although it is typical of eighteenth- and nineteenth-

century pancake recipes.

Thickness, on the other hand, is purely a matter of

personal and sometimes national predilection. If you prefer

thinner pancakes, use more milk. If you only need one big

pancake, use just the egg white and  cup / g of flour

with enough milk to make a thick batter. You can also use


Children are mesmerized by bright colours suspended in the pancake batter.

buttermilk or add a little yoghurt to the mix – the acidity

helps the baking powder
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your healthy gut bacteria. This promotes the formation of compounds that protect against colon cancer.

Beans are among the world’s most perfect foods. They stabilize blood sugar, blunt the desire for sweets, and prevent between-meal cravings.

Try to eat at least half a cup of beans, lentils, or split peas every day. Add them to your salad; include them in soups, stews, or chili; make bean burgers or blend them into dips for raw vegetables. Enjoy a wide variety of beans, including chickpeas, black beans, red kidney beans, cannellini beans, soybeans, black-eyed peas, pinto beans, lentils, and split peas. In this book, I show you how to prepare them in many different ways, using a wide variety of seasonings and spices. If you use canned beans for convenience, be sure to choose those that are low in sodium or have no salt added.

Naturally Sweet and Juicy Fruit

Always keep a good supply of fresh fruit on hand. It is the ultimate convenience food, and it is an excellent nutrient-dense, low-calorie source of vitamins and phytochemicals.

Every kind of fruit offers its own special benefits. Berries, in particular, are true superfoods, with extremely high antioxidant values. Their deep red, blue, and purple pigments are produced by anthocyanins, which are flavonoid compounds that have been associated with numerous health benefits. Anthocyanins have been linked to lower blood pressure levels and a reduced risk of diabetes, as well as improved memory and motor coordination.

Frozen fruit is a good quick and easy option. Keep your freezer stocked with a variety of choices. The nutritional value of frozen fruit is comparable to that of fresh fruit. But avoid canned fruit because it often has added sweeteners and has lost a significant amount of its water-soluble nutrients.

As regards dried fruit, use it only in small amounts as a sweetener in recipes if you need to lose weight.

Fruit, consumed at its peak of ripeness, is more delicious than any processed, overrefined dessert or treat.

Shoot for three servings of fruit a day, including one serving of berries. Enjoy strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, or blackberries stirred into your morning oatmeal, added to a smoothie, or as a simple dessert.

The Good Fats: Seeds and Nuts

Fat provides the essential fatty acids linoleic and linolenic acid, which are called “essential” because your body cannot make them and cannot remain healthy without them. These essential fatty acids are needed for brain development, the control of inflammation, and the clotting of blood. Fat helps to keep your skin healthy and is required for the absorption of the fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K.

It is well known that the saturated fats in animal products such as butter, cheese, whole milk, ice cream, and meats should be avoided. They raise low-density lipoprotein (LDL) cholesterol (“bad” cholesterol), which puts you at risk for heart attack, stroke, and other major health problems. But you should also skip refined vegetable oils, including olive oil. Like sugar, vegetable oils are processed foods that have had almost all of their nutrients and fiber removed. Ounce for ounce, oil is one of the most calorically dense foods you can eat, which adds up to a lot of empty calories.

Nuts and seeds are the healthful alternatives to olive oil. They are rich in fiber, protein, sterols, minerals, lignans, and other health-promoting nutrients, and they increase the absorption of nutrients from other foods as well. The fats in nuts and seeds are slowly absorbed, so they keep you feeling full for a longer time. Researchers have found that including nuts and seeds in your diet can help you lose weight and can also protect against heart disease and cancer.

In a nutshell, seeds and nuts are the best source of healthy fats.

Eat nuts and seeds raw or just lightly toasted, because the roasting process alters their beneficial fats. Commercially packaged nuts and seeds are frequently cooked in oil and are heavily salted.

If you are trying to lose weight, limit nuts and seeds to 1 ounce (about ¼ cup) for women and 1 ½ ounces for men. If you are active and slim, there is no problem with eating more than this. At least half of your nut intake should be walnuts, hemp seeds, chia seeds, flaxseeds, or sesame seeds, because all of these (except sesame) are particularly high in essential omega-3 fats. In addition, all (except walnuts) are excellent sources of lignans, which reduce cholesterol and provide extra protection against cancer.

People with nut allergies can substitute pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, or sunflower seed butter in recipes calling for cashews, almonds, or other nuts. Unhulled sesame seeds or raw tahini are also tasty options, but because they are stronger in flavor, start off with a lower amount and adjust according to taste.

Toss out your empty-calorie, refined oils and use a high-powered blender to make creamy dressin
keto carbs, indian samosa, chocolate brands, soup, soy ice cream,
cescana (Italy)

The difference between what is good, very good, and exceptional can be found in repetition. A chef must master the basics before he can create something that is truly exceptional, and the only way to master something is to repeat the process many times, honing your skills and making slight changes to your methods until you have reached your own version of perfection.

—ALEX ATALA, D.O.M. (São Paulo)

Even an artist as creative as Picasso said, “Learn the rules like a professional, so you can break them like an artist.” You can’t break the rules if you don’t know what they are to begin with.

To understand what’s new and what’s useful, you must first learn what’s old and what doesn’t work—which is the perspective you’ll gain from getting grounded in culinary fundamentals. Expertise also enables efficiency: You’ll stand on the shoulders of giants instead of having to re-discover that which others spent centuries figuring out.

“Kitchen creativity” is a relatively new concept in some regards if you consider that we’ve been cooking for two million years and yet it was just 200 years ago that the world’s greatest chef’s focus was systemization (that is, Auguste Escoffier’s turn-of-the-19th-century codification of French cuisine). After decades of faithfully reproducing Escoffier’s classic recipes, French chefs finally dared to depart from them, modifying and lightening their dishes in a movement that became known as nouvelle cuisine. As a result, there has been more creativity in food in the past 50 years than in any other period in world history.

Up until that point, classic dishes generally evolved from local ingredients in harmonious combinations that caught the fancy of locals, achieving popularity and becoming part of the culinary canon. The role of restaurant critics was initially to judge whether a restaurant’s version of a classic dish was authentic and well-executed or not.


1. Avoid unnecessary complications.

2. Shorten cooking times.

3. Shop regularly at the market.

4. Shorten the menu.

5. Don’t hang or marinate game.

6. Avoid too-rich sauces.

7. Return to regional cooking.

8. Investigate the latest techniques.

9. Consider diet and health.

10. Invent constantly.

* The influential restaurant guide founded in France in 1965.

American chefs—many of whom had served apprenticeships in France where they were exposed to these “new, radical” ideas—returned to the United States with these “commandments” in mind. The melting pot of America became a hotbed of culinary change. The boundaries of creativity expanded—including new combinations of ingredients (from the farthest reaches of the world, as well as untapped hyperlocal sources of foraged ingredients), new techniques (from sous-vide to spherification), and new presentations (from snacks to small plates to pre-desserts).

The culinary world saw innovations in codification (via Escoffier) at the turn of the century, and in the lightening of cuisine [via nouvelle cuisine] in the 1970s, and in the expansion of techniques and presentation (via Adrià, et al) since. Today, we’re in the midst of an elevation of “goodness” in cuisine, as chefs strive to create the most delicious dishes with the best-available ingredients that do the least harm—to both sentient beings (e.g., healthful, unprocessed or minimally processed, non-GMO, humanely raised) and to the environment (e.g., local, sustainable, organic, biodynamic).

As our awareness of food and the myriad implications of growing it, cooking it, and consuming it continue to expand, our creativity with food is in turn continuing to expand.

We forget that during the “nouvelle cuisine” wave of 35 years ago, we never talked about produce. Creativity was the sole requirement. A chef as respected as Pierre Troisgros could not have cared less about knowing whether his salmon came from Scotland or Norway, or whether it was wild. Alain Chapel was a forerunner of the new movement because during the 1980s he was obsessed with the quality and freshness of the produce. Today we have 50 butters that are better than the best butters available 35 years ago. Each restaurateur has become an expert in dozens of products and can recognize the difference among varieties and the excellence of each.

—ALAIN DUCASSE, as quoted in the Harvard Business Review

STAGE 1 MASTERY: acquiring knowledge, skill, and control

Great chefs don’t ask “Why?” They ask “Why not?” They aren’t afraid of a challenge and they aren’t afraid to break the rules. But they also have the technical training necessary to play with recipes while intuitively knowing which crucial steps should not be sacrificed.

—DANIEL BOULUD, The Dinex Group (New York City)

If you’re reading this book, you no doubt have a passion for food and drink, and
e. It was the absolute antithesis of the old mass-produced stuff, strong both in alcoholic content and flavour. A revolution was born and swept across the Western world. As momentum gathered, thousands upon thousands of microbreweries sprang up all across North America and Europe. As far as I could tell, the revolution hadn’t reached rural France yet.

St Austell Brewery had a list of ingredients for Big Job IPA on their website, so I copied what they had used. They didn’t mention quantities, so that was largely guesswork. I began to grind my malted barley. (Note: if you have that sort of mind, there will be a lot of potential for double entendres in brewing terminology – I won’t make those jokes because they are beneath me, but if you feel that terms like ‘sparging my grain’ are funny, then there’s nothing I can do about that. Actually, ‘sparging my grain’ is definitely funny.) The smell of toasted caramel filled the barn, holding the malted grains in my hand felt wholesome (Aha, I thought, so this is what it feels like to be a Quaker) and I had the feeling that I was initiating an ancient, magical process. A form of alchemy. When I had ground 6.5 kg of malt, I added it to the heated water in the GrainFather.

This is called the mashing stage – the intention is to release the starches from the malt and turn them to sugar. Then I boiled the wort, which is the sugar-rich liquid you are left with once you take away the malt, and added hops, which look and smell suspiciously like skunk weed, to give the beer its bitter flavour. So far everything was going well. There is a crucial point in the boiling process called the hot break. This is where, as the wort reaches boiling point, a foam made of various proteins in the wort suddenly rises up and if you don’t do something about it, by patting it down with a paddle or spraying it with water, it will boil over and the floor, the walls and your naked, Y-front-topped legs will be awash with burning, sticky sugar water. Basically napalm. Jon Palmer warns about this extensively in his book. I was prepared for this. I was on my guard for the hot break. What I was not prepared for was a noise like a punctured bagpipe that came from the garden just as the wort was coming to the boil. I opened the barn doors to see Louis, our other puppy and brother of Burt, vomiting mounds of malt across the lawn with the speed of a Gatling gun, which he was then merrily re-eating, thus continuing his cycle of vomiting. He’d found the pile of hot, wet malt that I’d discarded on the compost heap and promptly eaten his own body weight in it. Without a thought for my own safety, I charged into the garden in my underpants. It was wet and muddy and I slipped into a sort of sliding tackle position, straight through his most recent pile of malt vomit. He ran to a few feet away and once again began his process of vomiting and reconsuming. I got up and charged after him again. Burt, who had been lurking nefariously behind a dustbin, spotted his opportunity, circled round behind me and started eating Louis’ previous vomit. I picked Louis up and held his head over the side of my arms as he threw up another powerful jet of grain. I wheeled round on Burt.

‘BURT! DESIST!’ I screamed, charging at him with Louis under my arm and slipping again, releasing a vomiting puppy into the air. Burt avoided my slide and, delighted, ran off to eat more of Louis’ vomit. I ran after him. Louis landed on his back, vomited and promptly ate it. Burt ran behind a tree. Damien strolled past the front gate.

‘Salut, Tommy!’

‘Salut, Damien!’

I managed to collar Louis once more and threw him over the gate into the locked front garden before he could eat any more of his own sick. Then I chased Burt round the tree until the fat little bugger ran out of puff and I could carry him into the front garden as well. Finally, with both of them safely locked up, I returned to the barn in my underpants, caked in mud and grain that had been through several digestive cycles to see the last of the foam from the hot break pouring down the side of the GrainFather. My feet stuck to the floor. Everything was covered in a yellow, sticky goo. For a second I thought about giving up on brewing beer and instead earning a living by travelling the local villages and putting on displays where I fired my dogs out of a cannon into a molten volcano, but, using all my willpower, I refocused and by the evening I had cooled what was left of the wort and transferred it to a plastic fermenting barrel. I pitched the yeast (in other words chucked the packet of dry yeast, which would turn the sugar to alcohol, on top of the wort in the fermenter) and as Rose walked through the door I stood proudly in the living room in nothing but my underpants, covered in dried mud and malted vomit grain.

‘What the hell happened to you?’ she said.

Instinctively I put one foot on the fermenter full of wort as if I w


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